Things to do/don't do at an opening.

Drink six tins of Stella before going to the pub.
Accidentally swallow a cigarette end.
Talk about the work.
Talk to anyone who'se brain is too big for there head.
Get there before the end
Talk to expensively dressed women wearing too much make-up who come up and stare at you intently. i.e.

 



 
 
 
 
 
Me: So is there any piece of work you particularly like?

Staring woman with dark hair: This

Me: Really?  No-one else has shown much interest in it .

Blonde woman eavesdropping: I like it too but I'm not sure how to read it.
 

I walk with the blonde woman to the beginning of the piece.

Me: The trophy plus the blow-lamp equals ashes. The ashes plus beer as a binding agent equal a jar of black sludge . 
With a brush this jar plus paper equals a picture of the trophy. The picture plus the blow-lamp equals ashes  and so 
on until you end up with the definitive picture of the trophy.
 

SW: So how come she got a guided tour and I didn't? It's because she's blonde isn't it? You want her to go down on you don't you , you want her to suck your dick because she's blonde?

Me: Actually it's because she asked , and also becauseI know her as a student whom I taught at Canterbury for a while.
 

Blonde womans friend (another student): It's true. You gave Kate Williams  an A  and  her work is rubbish but she's blonde

Me:  I don't believe this. I thought you were interested in my work. and know I'm embroiled in some stupid argument brought on by your neuroses about blondes. If it matters that much why don't you bleach your fucking hair.

SW: So anyway, are you married or do you have a partner?

Me: Yes

Staring mad woman turns and walks away.